I know I am not the only one secretly craving a couple of minutes from her old life and old individual self, who had no responsibilities and did not have to constantly think about another human being. That person who could go out a night, have as many drinks as wanted, without having to face the consequences (or tops a bad hangover the next day). That person who could spontaneously decide to do something, without having to plan everything in advance. Without thinking of who is gonna take care of ‘my most important person in the whole world’. Hey you mom, out there, I know you’ve also been there. I know you sometimes feel the urge to be completely alone, without your baby or partner for at least 15 minutes. I know you sometimes feel that you just wanna all let it out, all the suppressed tension and emotions that you are accumulating, cause you are trying to be the ‘perfect’ mom, or at least a ‘fairly good’ mom, but at minimum the best version of yourself.
I hope I am not alone, and you are not either.
My Life Before Becoming a Mom
To fully understand the meaning of this story, I would like to give you some context to my life, or at least to my old life, before I became a mom.
I live in Berlin, in the city that truly never sleeps and is one of the party capitals of the world. If you have seen me just two years ago, I was one of the typical Berliner ‘party people’ in their 30s who go out and have fun, at least once a month. Still, my life felt unfulfilling and missing something. After 10 years of a steady and loving relationship, where we shared common goals, and passions for travel, music, board games, and reckless partying with my soulmate I still felt something was missing of it. And what was missing was a family, there you go.
So, after one year of trying I got pregnant and our beautiful son was born, who is now already a strong-headed toddler, who exactly knows what he wants. And has quite the carachter…
How My Life Changed After Giving Birth:
I was overwhelmed with joy and happiness, when my son was born, and ever since then, every day I try to be the best mom for him. We give all our love to him, besides making sure he sleeps well, eats well, and spends some time in the fresh air and we play and spend quality time with him every day as much as we can without any distractions like TV. I am in the lucky position that I am able the spend more than a year at home with my son being on maternity leave as a full-time mom. Most of the time, I feel like my life is fulfilling despite the challenges of the first year, which was quite the rollercoaster ride for all three of us. Our whole life is about him, which I guess is actually quite normal, when you have a child and you want the best for him.
But babies are hard, and as I said we had our own hardships, and still sometimes have our battles. It is hard to admit, but every now and then, I feel like I miss my old self. At the same time, I instantly get this guilty feeling, ‘am I a bad mom, because I occasionally miss my old life and my old self’?
When you Don’t have a Village that it Takes
We are a couple without the village if you know what I mean. We are ex-pats here in Berlin, with no family to support us. My husband is my soulmate, but having our son had a toll on our relationship, it made us stronger as a team, but as with many other couples we have barely any time, let alone energy that we can focus and spend only on each other. Don’t mistake me, we still love each other, but we love even more our son, with an endless unconditional love that is stronger than anything.
We are a well-functioning team, like a good old engine where every particle has its own purpose and task. On the other hand, I miss him, I utterly miss him, my other half every day. The times when we had so much time for each other, and we actually took the effort to spend quality time together, whether to play board games, have a nice chat on the balcony with a glass of wine, go out for dinner in restaurants, going for camping on the weekend, so our Old Life feels like light years away. Our most important responsibility now is our son, and we both do our best to take care of him, and I am in a very lucky position to have a partner who is fully committed to taking an equal part of all the work, being present, being a good dad, spending quality time with his son and support me with everything he can. He is truly an amazing Dad and husband and I couldn’t ask for better.
Am I bad Mom if I miss partying?
But let me get to the point, so today after exactly 25 months we went to do one of our favorite things together. We went to a party, but not just any party, but to one of the biggest raves in Berlin. It is summer 2023 and Rave the Planet is taking place, which is the revival of the old and famous “Love Parade”. It is one of the biggest street festivals in Germany with over 200.000 people.
After nearly two years of being a full-time stay-at-home mom, I was craving a bit of my old self, who didn’t have any responsibilities, no toddler waiting at home, and who could party over a night without any feelings of guilt and didn’t have to reckon with the consequences of waking up 7 am.
The only problem was that, as I mentioned we don’t really have that village of support, and we did not find a fitting babysitter (none that would hit the bar and had time as well and we were not willing to leave him to a stranger).
Street Festival with a toddler?
So maybe we are bad parents, but we thought, actually it is like a daytime street carnival, so why not check it out? So we took our son with us. Bad idea or not, that was our only chance to go.
But being responsible parents, we packed the noise-canceling baby ear protection, some food, and drinks and we took the way. We saw a couple of parents on the way, not a lot though, so I already had a bad feeling about it.
Our son did not eat well the day, so he got a bit cranky on the way, but I was determined that we would at least see the carnival. So we went to the rave! It took place in the biggest park in Berlin so we could approach it from the side and stay at a reasonable distance from the crowds and from the very loud music.
15 Minutes of reconnecting with myself
I told my husband that I would like to go into the crowd just for 15 minutes to dance and have fun. Apparently, our son has decided another way. By the time we got to the carnival, he was fussy and hangry.
On the other hand, I was craving for my 15 minutes of old selfish me, who can go and party recklessly without thinking of the consequences.
My husband saw that this moment is critical for me. He hasn’t been out a lot either during the last two years, maybe a couple of times for drinks with the guys, but still… more than me, and he recognized that I needed this 15 minutes to reconnect with my old self.
So he told me; ‘Go and have fun, go, go to the crowd and dance like there was no tomorrow!’
So I did, I went straight to the crowd where the music was the loudest, and the trucks were passing by with a wave of dancing people dressed in the color of the rainbow. And I felt an overload of emotions. I felt enormous joy, and sadness at the same time. I was dancing crazy (and I only had a couple of premade whiskey coce from the can, (I wasn’t even properly drunk) and I started to cry.
I sobbed like a little baby, cause I couldn’t control my emotions. I was so happy, it was something like from another life, somewhat distinctive but in the same time I felt like a teenager again, I felt reckless and young, I felt it was my old life for 15 minutes. I promised my husband I will go back in 15 minutes. So, I gave it all, I completely let myself be carried away by the music and by this feeling, but another emotion was slowly craving its way in. I came back to reality and I started to think about my son, is he okay, is he crying and missing me? The responsible mother instinct kicked in, and I was back to being a mom whether I wanted or not! I guess this is how mother nature makes sure our most important priority is our child. Time was up anyway, so I rushed through the crowd to find them, only to find my husband and son walking around and having fun in the nearby park. They seemed doing pretty well without me.
What did I learned from it?
Funnily, I was so happy to see them, and at the same time, I was grateful to my husband for that 15 minutes of this other kind of happiness. A state of mind that I haven’t felt for a long time. 15 minutes when I could let go and only be with myself and with the music. 15 minutes when I was without any responsibilities in the back of my mind. 15 minutes when I was just a woman, not a wife and not a mom. The only thing I was missing in that 15 minutes was him, my partner in crime, with whom I used to party together and shared these moments.
After these 15 minutes, I realized what I have, and I felt grateful for it. I would never change it for anything, not for my old life, and neither for any kind of parallel universe where I am not with my family. I realized how much they mean to me. I threw myself into their arms and was still crying. And the two people I love the most in this world were not judging me, but just hugging me, and giving me kisses, as if I was the best mom and wife in the whole world. They understood me, and gave me the space I needed, but were there again when I needed them. This is what is family for. To support each other, and help each other grow and thrive, even if it means sometimes stepping back for a second.
Let it out!
I am a lucky woman, for having an amazing family, and I truly love being a mom! I bet you do too, just don’t forget to take sometimes that 15 minutes that you need to reconnect with yourself, whether it is just to breathe, do yoga, go and scream it out, run, or dance as if it was no tomorrow, or have a massage, doesn’t matter just let it out. Cause no one told me that being a mom is easy, but no one said either how hard it is. After having your 15 minutes (or more) for yourself, your family will be waiting for you, they will be looking forward to having you back, a happier, more relaxed, and better version of you.
